2 Beers 1 Slice of Lemon and 1 Large Gold Brick
by Reefgirl
Summary: Some of the crew are watching Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy when Kavanaugh has one beer too many. Blame the Bunnies, MASH and Blackadder for this.


Rating: T for some Adult-ish themes

Spoilers: None

Pairings: None

Summary: Some of the personnel are having a beer and DVD night

Disclaimer: I own none of the Stargate characters, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy or Blackadder

Authors Notes: Thanks to BiteMeTechie for the plot bunny. This came about after a discussion with Techie about why Kavanaugh drank lite beer (Something that does not exist in Britain although I'm bound to be proved wrong) and me remembering someone saying Kavanaugh was the Frank Burns of Atlantis.

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It had been Alex, the chef's idea to introduce the less 'Educated' members of the Atlantis team to the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Most of them had seen the film as the Daedalus had bought it in several months ago but Alex and Carson had been talking about the TV series and how much they enjoyed it. As Alex had bought the DVD with her, they were going to play the original and best for anyone who wanted to see it. Major Lorne and Sgt Stackhouse had been in charge of bringing the beer, Alex had made some cookies and the other snacks had been provided by the scientists, the group settled down and the DVD began. Lorne took a swig of beer and almost spat it straight out

"Who the hell bought lite beer?" he demanded as if someone was trying to poison him,

"I think you'll find that's mine," said the sneering voice of Dr Kavanaugh.

"You drink lite beer?" replied Lorne with a laugh "I might have guessed you geeks couldn't handle real beer"

"Ahem I'm drinking the same as you," said Rodney and half a dozen other voices agreed

"I happen to like lite beer" retorted Kavanaugh.

"I agree with you Major, Dr Kavanaugh has got to be a lightweight, his idea of a wild night is a bag of wine gums to himself" said Alex with a snigger

"Don't get too pleased with yourself Major, I've seen Marine's slide not so gracefully under the table after three pints of Tennants" said Carson with a smirk

"Ooh I've seen that too" said Alex "a favourite trick of British sailors is to challenge American sailors to a drinking competition, the Americans usually bail out after four pints"

"Yeah, well that's sailors for you," said Lorne with a huff "only girls drink lite beer". This bought him a cuff on the back of the head from Alex and Laura Cadman,

"You _boys_ should try German Beer," said Dr Elsa Muller with a chuckle,

"Yes you boys should," said Radek "a few years ago I went to the Oktoberfest, I got back to Prague in November"

"It took you a month to get home?" said Alex. Radek smirked

"I liked Munich," he said with a shrug,

"I like lite beer" said Kavanaugh again. Stackhouse opened a beer and handed it too him

"Get that down your neck and be a real man for once," he said,

"Why do you military types always associate drinking with masculinity?" sneered Kavanaugh

"SHUT UP AND DRINK!" the others shouted at him.

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At the end of the third episode more beer was opened and the scientists were talking about infinite improbability drives and Bambleweeny 57 Sub-Meson Brains, Lorne and Stackhouse were talking about Trillion's red PVC outfit and Alex, Laura and Carson about who did the best Marvin voice, Alan Rickman or Stephan Moore.

"I'm telling you it's a debasement of science," slurred Kavanaugh "inventing a machine to make someone's underwear leap to the left"

"It's a TV show, it's the product of someone's strange imagination and I admire Douglas Adams for it," said Rodney

"He obviously didn't get invited to those sort of parties," said Alex with a giggle.

"I can party with the best of them," said Kavanaugh

"How much has he had to drink?" asked Radek

"Ah, the one I gave him and a lite beer," replied Stackhouse, Radek shook his head and laughed

"Ochotník" he said.

"Why doesn't anyone like me?" whined Kavanaugh, everyone groaned

"Because you're a dick," muttered Lorne

"How did you know that?" slurred Kavanaugh

"I put two and two together," replied Lorne

"How did you know my name was Dick, did Dr Weir tell you?" he said again. Alex and Laura were laughing helplessly and Lorne shook his head

"Dr Weir didn't tell me, I guessed," he replied.

"So why don't you guys like me" snivelled Kavanaugh

"Because you're a tell-tale," said Alex

"Because you were going to let me die in a wormhole," said Rodney

"Because you're sloppy in your work and lazy," said Radek

"Because you're a smug, lecherous bastard," said Laura. The others added their opinions as well

"Apart from that" Kavanaugh replied, cushions, popcorn, pretzels and chips were thrown at him

"SHUT UP!" the others yelled at him

"I want another beer", he slurred.

"Don't ye think you've had enough?" said Carson

"I can match you guys drink for drink," Kavanaugh said

"Oh aye and I suppose when ye want beer I'm supposed to pass water?" he said.

"See the little goblin, see his little feet, and his little nosey woze, isn't the goblin sweet YES!" sang Alex as she collapsed into a giggling heap on the couch causing Carson to start laughing too, the others looked at them and shrugged.

"British humour" said Rodney by way of explanation,

"I want another beer," said Kavanaugh as he stood up, took one step forward and collapsed onto the floor,

"I think we'd better get him back to his quarters," said Lorne to Stackhouse.

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Outside Kavanaugh's quarters, Lorne and Stackhouse ran into Dr Elizabeth Weir.

"What happened to him?" she asked

"Too much beer Ma'am" said Lorne

"How many did he have?" she said

"Two" replied Stackhouse with a sigh as he struggled to get Kavanaugh's door open.

"Dr Weir, you're drunk," said Kavanaugh pompously

"I'm drunk?" she said with a laugh,

"Yes, I can see you swaying, this will be going in my report to General Landry" he slurred. Lorne pushed him through the door

"Get in there" he said as Kavanaugh collapsed on the floor

"Did old Ferret Face really have two beers? You're not covering up for him are you," Elizabeth asked

"No Ma'am he really did only have two beers and one of them was lite," replied Stackhouse. Elizabeth couldn't hold it in any longer and burst out laughing,

"Do you have any more beer?" she asked and Lorne grinned

"Sure thing Ma'am, there's a bit of a movie night in the TV room," he said.

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The next morning Dr Kavanaugh crept quietly into the lab. He'd woken up on the floor at 2 in the morning and rushed into the bathroom where he'd heaved his guts up, now he had the mother of all headaches and a mouth like a Turkish camel wrestlers armpit. He got himself two mugs of coffee and sat down to read his emails, he opened the important announcement one first and read, his face growing redder

**To:** All Atlantis Personnel

**From:** Never Mind

**Subject: **Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters

Dr Dick Kavanaugh's recipe for the most potent drink in the galaxy

2 Beers (1 lite)

1 Slice of Lemon

1 Large Gold Brick

Drink, with care. More details to follow.

Kavanaugh screamed, then wished he hadn't.

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**AN: **Ochotník** – **Amateur.

The Passing Water quote and the Goblin song come's from the 'Beer' episode of Blackadder II.

Tennants is a Scottish beer.

Ferret Face is of course Frank Burns' nickname.

The Oktoberfest is the Munich Beer Festival.

I have seen American sailors bail out of a drinking contest.

Out of the two, I think Stephan Moore has the edge on Alan Rickman, but only just.


End file.
